April Fools’ Day Ceases to Exist

April Fools' Day

On April 1, 2010, the critically acclaimed Jokers Association of America (JAA) officially declared April Fools’ Day to be null and void. JAA’s president, I. B. Lyer, cited scientific reasons for this drastic revision.

“We know this is disappointing to many long-time April Fools’ Day celebrators and supporters, but we [the JAA] have agreed that April Fools’ Day is not conducive to scientific learning.”

Each year, two or three fundamental constants of the universe are tweaked on this day. In 1998, for instance, the value of pi was changed to 3, after a heated mathematical debate. Reformers repeatedly pointed out that as the universe is expanding, the radius of every circle is growing faster than its circumference. The traditionalists would not listen, saying that nothing ever changes. And even though the evidence for the new value of pi was found to be unequivocal and irrefutable by the International Panel on Constant Change (IPCC), the traditionalists were able to revert the value of pi to 3.14.

This year, the Large Hadron Collider is scheduled to smash protons at an energy of 42 TeV (teraelectron volts), and as a result “we cannot afford any sudden changes to the underlying structure of the proton,” said nuclear physicist B. Lowup.

“As we’ve said before, we’re certain that black holes will not form. But, if a few constants are changed in certain ways, a red hole could possibly appear. This would be even more catastrophic than a black hole,” said Lowup. “Even a single red hole could spark a second Cold War. I think even with advanced nuclear technology, the Western world is not capable of surviving another red menace.” For public safety concerns, the Large Hadron Collider is scheduled to be shut down this entire week, to prevent any possible cataclysm from rogue April Foolers.

Even so, a fairly large crowd of protesters has already lined up at CERN’s particle accelerator, asking why it was shut down. Says a protester, “Why can’t we just have science? Just smash the darned particles together, as fast as possible. And if something explodes, heck, it’ll be awesome!”

Why did the JAA just now stop April Fools’ Day? “Last year, or the year before, we did not have to deal with the Large Hadron Collider,” continues Lowup.

The real question is, what will we do on April 1 now without April Fools’ Day? President Lyer’s advice: “Just calm down and take it easy. The world’s not ending. Let life go on as normal.”

Many are finding it QUITE difficult to accept this new policy. An anonymous Internet user said, “what a troll.” Another: “you’re fat.”

Because of the large number of persons who still do not know about the ending of April Fools’ Day, most organizations are allowed one Last April Fools’ (LAF). After today, this ancient tradition will be no more.

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